Coyote's Speech to the Birders

I was in the auditorium when my friend Coyote addressed the Bald Eagle Conference. I recorded Coyote's speech and it is reproduced here for the benefit of those who might have nodded off and missed it.

"Ladies and gentlemen," says Coyote. "I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. When I was asked to give this talk, I expected more wings and less hair in the audience. Even feathers. I expected to talk to a room of bald eagles and then have dessert. But what we have here is a room of birders. Quite a gaggle. I guess I'll have to wing it.

"Since I don't know much about eagles, I'll talk briefly about goshawks. You know goshawks. And I understand you have a term for jumbo jets who sashay into your binocular view of the world. You call them gas hawks. But perhaps you didn't know that we wild critters have a term for folks who spend a great deal of time with their eyes aimed at our private lives. We call them gawk hawks. But only in good fun.

"Actually, I know something about birds. I'm from Ashland where there is a long list of folks waiting to be reincarnated as fat Lithia Park ducks, and spend their next eternity munching organic muffins and strawberry scones. No stale wonder bread or old ding dongs for ducks in my home town. We rural Oregonians have class.

"But seriously, folks, and to put a muzzle on this speech, I'd like to end with a true life anecdote. A little girl in an audience of school children once asked me what magic was. I replied, 'Some say that magic is the taste of ripe strawberries on a Cascade Mountain summer morning, or a child dancing in an August rain. But real magic is the dream that if you stretch your wings and you really, really wish to do it, you can fly, ride the thermals, soar with the eagles.'

"I understand you birders have this dream a lot, and I sincerely wish you more luck than I have had. My poet friend Will Staple says about me, and accurately: 'When Coyote is dropped out of an airplane on a moonless winter night, does he land on his feet? No. On his heart.'

"Thank you very much."